Waiting is the Hardest Part

I dreamed I was pregnant last night.

(I’m not.)

I was pregnant and waiting for the labor pains to start. I wasn’t dreading labor — my attitude in the dream was very much, “Been there, done that, let’s get this party started.” I just wanted it to start.

(Very much how I felt getting induced with Michael, as a matter of fact. In the dream, I got to eat food, though.)

This feeling of being pregnant, of something pending, of waiting for something to start: it infuses my life right now.

I do feel much of the time that I am waiting for the next thing.

Maybe it’s just because so much of my life is about planning and doing for upcoming events: a weekend away at Seven Springs; the upcoming school year for Flora; my sister’s wedding.

Maybe because I have a creeping-to-overwhelming dissatisfaction (ebbs and flows) with my current work-outside-the-home situation.

I am full. Of potential and possibility, of hope and dream, of the future. I am poised, I am on the cusp.

The waiting is hard, as is the uncertainty of what is next. Maybe it is just events. But maybe it is time for a change. What do I do? Where do I go? How do I do it?

I try to be quiet and be still and listen. Be open, be patient, be strong. Pray and listen.

Something is coming, something is waiting.

Only the rest of my life.

++

What do you do when you feel change in the air? Do you wait, or do you seize the day?

Heebie Jeebies

I woke up in the middle of the night from a terrible dream.

It involved Twitter drama (which: no. No, Twitterama, I refuse to engage!), a former friend, and an ex-boyfriend.

I woke up extremely angry, and composing pissed off tweets, blog posts, and texts in my head.

My subconscious clearly needs to be cleaned out. I’m storing some crappy stuff down there.

I am a vivid dreamer. Like, I wake up in my bed sometimes utterly confounded that “it was all ‘just’ a dream”. It feels like another life (sometimes a really scary one). I have woken from dreams — nightmares — of losing people; I have woken from dreams of dying or being in mortal danger; I have woken from nightmares of being chased or consumed. I have woken up clinging to my husband, relieved to find him breathing — even loudly snoring — next to me in bed.

Of course last night, I woke in the middle of the storm. After I calmed down, I felt grateful that my children don’t have clown dolls or trees growing outside their bedroom window.

++

The former friend in the dream is a woman I went to high school with. I haven’t spoken to her in nearly four years. She was a mutual friend of me and my friend H (who sometimes comments here as aidensmama). She (our former friend, I’ll refer to her as A) stopped returning our calls and emails some time ago; she lives and works in Pittsburgh — although I guess this may have changed.

When H finally made contact with her, and asked why she hadn’t talked to me or H in awhile, A answered, “You two have everything I want. It’s too painful.” By “everything I want” read: “children and husbands”.

That’s the last I’ve heard from her. I don’t know why she is on my mind, or why she pissed me off so much in my dream last night. (In the dream, she was asking me a lot of questions about The Ex. And I was answering them, and then she got shirty with me, and I conned to the fact that she was asking all these questions because she was *dating The Ex!* I’m not 100% sure why that last point pissed me off — although in the dream I kept referring to our conversation as “the interrogation” and I was angry at being subjected to it.)

I don’t know if she’s on Facebook. I don’t know if she’s on Twitter. Like I said, I don’t know if she is still even living in Pittsburgh.

I guess the upshot is for some reason lately I am missing her. I am hoping that she is happy, where ever she is and whatever she is doing. But I also feel that seeking her out to reconnect may cause her pain.

And I would never want to do that to her.

Have you lost friends throughout life? Was it a normal drifting apart, or was it a painful split? Do you still dream of them?